Hogan Knows Best?

Blogging VH-1. Don't ask. I was bored.

1. Holy crap. Hulk Hogan has a reality show. This shouldn't surprise me, and it certainly shouldn't intrigue me. But I can't change the channel until he chooses the absolute best bodyguard for his daughter. (Yes. She looks just as skanky as you can imagine the Hulkster's daughter would look.)

2. There's a show on VH-1 called Celebrity Boot Camp. Apparently, they can say "douche bag" on it. So that's progress. It airs on Thursday if you're interested.

3. Back to Hulk. He just referred to his daughter as "the most important piece of cargo you've ever protected." (He hired "Big Fred." Not the "hot one" his daughter demanded.)

4. Big Fred refers to Hulk as Terry in his twice hourly phone calls. Very disappointing.

5. During the second commercial break, I finally caved and decided to find out why it is that Brooke needs a body guard. I'm not convinced she does.

6. Shockingly, Brooke "cannot deal with Freddie anymore."

7. Freddie just said, "You gotta get to know your client" to Hulk. That, coupled with Brooke following the advice of some Omaha, Nebraska shock jocks to convince The Hulkster that Freddie likes her, is about to get 'Big Fred' fired. How did he not see that coming?

8. People who watch this show apparently buy lots of cell phones and fast food.

9. Whoa. They've hired a female bodyguard. This sucks. She may be an expert in martial arts, but I'm having trouble believing they "can go shopping together" as The Hulkster just promised.

10. Hulk's kids are busting on him for consistently wearing a fanny pack. He defends this activity by saying that in it, he keeps the keys to his Segway and his Japanese eyedrops. What?

11. I probably don't have to say that the family has a trio of Chihuahuas that are subject to random puppetry and ventriloquism.

12. Hulk's son, just played the Hulkamaniac card in an attempt to get his dad to drop the fanny pack. As in, the Hulkamaniacs wouldn't think it's cool.

13. Defending himself from the fanny pack allegations as only The Hulkster can, he unveils an US Weekly featuring his daughter in the "Worst" category of people who dress up for D-list gatherings of blond people.

14. Is any of this funny to anyone but me? I'm working on 30 minutes of this show for comedy's sake. I hope you're still with me.

15. There are stores in South Beach that carry size 15 Adidas.

16. Because he's "the champion of the world," he just refused to replace his fanny pack with a "man bag."

17. He said, "Manicure me. Pedicure me all you like. Hulkamania will never die." That's when I changed the channel. What was it about that statement that caused me to finally give up on this endeavor? I don't know, but it was like a door slamming. Suddenly, there was no way I could watch it anymore. It instantly had zero credibility as an entertainment media. Zip. Nada. I'm done.