I Thought My Life WAS Good

I saw this sticker on a car this morning, and I thought, you know, he's right; if my dog could roast her own marshmallows over an impossibly tiny fire, I'd be pretty much set.

All of the Headache; None of the Guilt

"Introducing the world's first eco-luxury vodka: Vodka 360. " Eco because the makers use renewable energy to quadruple distill and bottle it. Luxury because it's made in Missouri, where true opulence flows from the very earth itself.

Unbearably Funny

Blue Dawn

The face of this city, despite the teasing of the sun, has a pallor about it this morning. It's almost visible. Plenty of pedestrians and government employees still donned their Tiger blue for the day, but you can't help but feel the ache in the air.

When it comes to laying blame, Stephanie put it best.

When it comes to moving on, I say swing wide the gates to AutoZone Park. The home opener is just three days away.

Bad Day to Be Aboard a French Yacht

CNN reports that a French yacht/cruise ship has been taken over by pirates. I particularly like how the report gives the price of a cruise on the recently-seized vessel. As if tourists will be rushing to their travel agents seeking a booking on La Ponant (not including air fare and taxes, of course.)

Hogan Knows Best?

Blogging VH-1. Don't ask. I was bored.

1. Holy crap. Hulk Hogan has a reality show. This shouldn't surprise me, and it certainly shouldn't intrigue me. But I can't change the channel until he chooses the absolute best bodyguard for his daughter. (Yes. She looks just as skanky as you can imagine the Hulkster's daughter would look.)

2. There's a show on VH-1 called Celebrity Boot Camp. Apparently, they can say "douche bag" on it. So that's progress. It airs on Thursday if you're interested.

3. Back to Hulk. He just referred to his daughter as "the most important piece of cargo you've ever protected." (He hired "Big Fred." Not the "hot one" his daughter demanded.)

4. Big Fred refers to Hulk as Terry in his twice hourly phone calls. Very disappointing.

5. During the second commercial break, I finally caved and decided to find out why it is that Brooke needs a body guard. I'm not convinced she does.

6. Shockingly, Brooke "cannot deal with Freddie anymore."

7. Freddie just said, "You gotta get to know your client" to Hulk. That, coupled with Brooke following the advice of some Omaha, Nebraska shock jocks to convince The Hulkster that Freddie likes her, is about to get 'Big Fred' fired. How did he not see that coming?

8. People who watch this show apparently buy lots of cell phones and fast food.

9. Whoa. They've hired a female bodyguard. This sucks. She may be an expert in martial arts, but I'm having trouble believing they "can go shopping together" as The Hulkster just promised.

10. Hulk's kids are busting on him for consistently wearing a fanny pack. He defends this activity by saying that in it, he keeps the keys to his Segway and his Japanese eyedrops. What?

11. I probably don't have to say that the family has a trio of Chihuahuas that are subject to random puppetry and ventriloquism.

12. Hulk's son, just played the Hulkamaniac card in an attempt to get his dad to drop the fanny pack. As in, the Hulkamaniacs wouldn't think it's cool.

13. Defending himself from the fanny pack allegations as only The Hulkster can, he unveils an US Weekly featuring his daughter in the "Worst" category of people who dress up for D-list gatherings of blond people.

14. Is any of this funny to anyone but me? I'm working on 30 minutes of this show for comedy's sake. I hope you're still with me.

15. There are stores in South Beach that carry size 15 Adidas.

16. Because he's "the champion of the world," he just refused to replace his fanny pack with a "man bag."

17. He said, "Manicure me. Pedicure me all you like. Hulkamania will never die." That's when I changed the channel. What was it about that statement that caused me to finally give up on this endeavor? I don't know, but it was like a door slamming. Suddenly, there was no way I could watch it anymore. It instantly had zero credibility as an entertainment media. Zip. Nada. I'm done.

A Good Run Considering I Had One Foot In My Mouth

I just went on a gorgeous, springtime run around the campus of Vanderbilt. In between the waves of the university's shuttles exhaust (All the routes are color coordinated. I particularly like that the green one had the thickest, brownest exhaust), I caught a few whiffs of some of the blooming trees and flowers dotting the lawns and beds. What a beautiful and larger-than-I-remember place. As a kid, it seemed like the entire campus was made up of a football stadium, a hospital and the building where you took the ACT.

As I approached Kirkland Hall, the main administrative building, who should be climbing out of an SUV right in front of me but former US Congressman from the Ninth District of Tennessee, Harold Ford, Jr? Now, please ignore that it takes a real geek to recognize a former Congressman just as I forgot that he is now an adjunct professor at that fine institution, 'cause this is what I said, "Hey! Junior! You're out of your territory! Good to see you. I'm from Memphis!"

Unamused, his deadpan response: "This is my territory."

It wasn't until about 1/2 mile up the road that I recalled what he was doing with his time these days. Oh well, the good news is that he won't remember me the next time I see him. The bad news is that things like this eat at me.